Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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