You just made me feel so damn special
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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