i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
