Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
