Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
