I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
