If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
