there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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