My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
