Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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