the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
