Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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