We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
