You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
