There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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