Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
