wakey wakey hands off snakey
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
