my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
