We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
