matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm too high and old for this...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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