Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
