you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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