You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
