Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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