i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
