I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
