you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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