Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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