even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
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