"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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