you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
