My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
