the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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