My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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