a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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