There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
