A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
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