I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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