Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
