Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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