Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
