Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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