So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
