My first STD was from a foam party
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
