Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
