textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
