Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
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