please come you make the beer taste better
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
