Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
