At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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