my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
